Apuntes de Zoofilia Corporativa

  Rumiando la inoportunidad de las marcas de asociarse al tigre,Tiger Woods, cuando este abandona los hoyos para hacer el salto del idem en hoyo ajeno (¿eso es un birdie?) constato descorazonado que realmente  no había marcas tigre en su logorama: Ni bollitos Tigretón, Ni Frostis de Tigre, ni gasolina Exon –ponga un tigre en su motor-, ni ninguna de las docenas de marcas con tigres en su identidad corporativa: Dice un proverbio chino que “el tigre nunca pierde sus rayas”, o sea que “la cabra siempre tira al monte”… a buen entendedor. No tardaremos en ver al Tigretón Woods darle al palo, con dos bajo par. Y a otro sponsors dándoles al manubrio.

 Ni tigres, ni tampoco leones: Ni el de Peugeot ni el naranja ING, auténticos reyes de la selva, vértice   da la cadena alimenticia, majestuosos y campeones. Cathegory Killers, casi como el saltarín Puma de las deportivas…de aquel Becker que también puso en un brete a sus patrocinadores por sus retozones extra deportivos.  Hablando de campeones, el caballo rampante de Ferrari promete teñir el podium F-1 de rojo cantabro costa esmeralda. Los podios son el territorio de las prolíficas mascotas de equipos deportivos USA, donde se abusa del branding con bichos, como panteras, linces y leopardos –cuanta garra!- que, invocando Animal spirits, comparten con brands de lujo y distinción. 

La pantera rosa, es sólo una excepción.  

 Googleando en este safari logográfico uno encuentra tiburones hasta en los colchones, aunque pocos superan al cocodrilo de Lacaste, el mejor posicionado bordado junto a nuestro corazón, sólo próximo al Camel que ya mora en nuestros pulmones. ¿y aquel Bisonte altamirano carpetovetónico?. Extinction is for ever.

   Entre tanta enseña depredadoras ¿Dónde están los carroñeros para cerrar el circulo de la vida?  Hakuna Matata. Apenas un par de marcas Hiena y una de buitre. La carroña no vende. ¿y quien escogería un buitre –teniendo abundancia de halcones y águilas imperiales de todos los colores –In god we trust- surcando los cielos corporativos, desde Oriente medio hasta la I95 que sale de la factoría Harley Davidson de Milwakee.  

Entre plumas, no olvidemos los policromados

guacamayos de Gaston&Daniela y la lechuza de Eulen. 

Felix Rodriguez de la Fuente, devoraría Turrones El Lobo viendo la parada nupcial del lirón careto mientras el ciervo de majestuosa cornamenta de Glendfiddich se bate con el johnDeere de los tractores.

 Los tenemos domésticos como La vaca Morada –no la de Seth Godin, pero de Milka de Suchard, tan lechera como la cremosa “Vaca que Rie”. Y su macho el Toro, de Osborne en el horizonte, o   aquel de Lois al que algunos nostálgicos intentamos salvar en Facebook, y del que no ha quedado ni el rabo. Los toros del SXXI patrocinan deportes de riesgo con chutes de bebida energética. Curioso, en el país del Jamón Ibérico no abundan los cerdos en el branding . Las cochinadas tampoco venden  ( ¿Verdad Sr. TigerWoods?) . A los franceses les encantan los gallos, de LeCoqSportif a Rossignol . Las ocas son para hacer Foie.

 ....Y bestias haberlas, haylas muy lejanas y exóticas, como el canguro de Qantas,  el Panda de Adena  y el Kiwi –aunque sea betún- neozelanés. Hasta pangolines, tapires, casuarios  figuran en las marcas de las antípodas. Perdidos en la Tribu.  Y si nos vamos a China, entre aves fenix, dragones , tortugas y grullas se enredan milongas de intangibles y otros cuentos chinos.

 Animales en peligro de extinción, invitan a protegerlos con testimonios de emoción, entre cantos de ballenas y jaspeadas pieles de felino, si no se extinguen antes ¿os acordáis del Tiburón de Citröen ?. No tuvo la suerte de  resucitar poco después como el escarabajo- Beatle de VW

   Alguno quimérico como el Ostrilion, marca industrial argentina, resultado improbable de una fusión entre un avestruz (Ostrich) y un león; Agilidad y rapidez. Ríete tu del chiste del Oso hormiguero y el ornitorrinco (al menos una docena de marcas australianas, empezando por una de vinos lo tienen por emblema…¿será que platypus suena mejor?). Cantidad de Koalas allá abajo. Tan monos. Dan ganas de abrazarlos.  Experiencia de marca mullida.  

 ¿ Una marca Camaleón, que se mimetice hasta confundirse con el medio y sus clientes? Sueño del brand manager. Too late. Pinturas Bruguera ya lo ha domesticado en sus catálogos. 

¿Una marca mantis religiosa que decapite y devore a sus clientes tras aparearse con ellos?  Pues también hay unas cuantas, y no sólo de artes marciales.

    ¿Seguimos? Incluso sin la factoria Disney en liza , tenemos software con pingüinux, y la zorra firefox,  pasta con Ardillas, calzados Gorila, elefantes, osos polares, mantas, orcas, caballitos de mar, armadillos, cisnes, escorpiones, arañas viuda negra, mambas verdes, ranas amarillas, …

 No   falta ninguno en este Zoo-logos,  ecosistema de simbiosis de emociones  en el que sobreviven los mejor dotados. Como en el arca de Noé, una pareja de cada, de todos los tamaños y colores. Maria Luisa Seco se habría forrado con el product placement en la TVE del cuéntame. Greenpeace se queja (y con razón) de que los niños conocen más animales por las marcas que en la naturaleza.

 Y entre aspiraciones e intangibles recuerdo aquel anhelo de tantas mujeres de asociar la felicidad a un  Jaguar en el garaje, un visón en el armario y un tigre ( aunque de rayas solo tenga el polo de golfista ) en la cama , que la cruda realidad convierte en un Panda –made in Spain- en el garaje, un conejo en el armario y un cerdo en la cama…Y no de pata negra.

  

 Si  tu fueras una marca…

¿Qué animal te gustaría ser ?. 

El delfín no vale (ya me lo he pedido yo). 

Toca ser original . 

(Premio al que encuentre un bicho que no esté en ningún logo)

* Posdata post publicación. 

 Imperdonable Omisión, el conejito de Playboy, que hace tiempo que trascendió la publicación fundada por Hugh Hefner en los 50,s para convertirse en un icono -en una marca que se merece un post aparte. Coming soon.   

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Este post -ligeramente editado y recortado (para ajustarse a las 800 palabras que exige la fotomecánica)-

se ha publicado en la revista YOROKOBU del mes de Mayo. Disfruta del papel. & Compártelo. 

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